Here's Mud In Your Ear

When I was younger (I'm not sure exactly what age but I was old enough to walk home from school by myself -- which was pretty young WAAAAAYYYYY back then), mom made appointments for me to see the ear specialist. I was just getting a check-up because I had chronic ear infections as a child.

Mom sent me to school with a note allowing me to leave school early. It was raining that day so she warned me "Don't walk through Burkholder School because it'll be full of mud". Now, why did she have to go and say that? She might as well have shaken the chicken bones and put a full-
blown curse on my head.

Both my teacher and I forgot to watch the time and I left school about 20 minutes later than I should have. I knew I had to get home quickly or mom was going to blow a gasket. I decided to cut through Burkholder School to save some time. (See? What'd I tell ya?).

About halfway across the field, I walked through a puddle and one of my feet sunk into the mud and it became stuck. No problem. I firmly planted the other foot and was able to get the stuck foot out. Only to find that the second foot was stuck instead. CRAP!!!! What the heck was I going to do? I did what any young girl would do...I screamed my ass off. I screamed until I was hoarse. Of course, no one heard me. I was too far from the school and it was mid-day. Everyone was still in school or taking advantage of the kids being in school. I imagine if any of the housewives heard me screaming, they just decided to ignore it until their "stories" were over.

Screaming didn't bring the police, fire and ambulance so I knew I had to try something else. I was wearing those boots that you put over shoes so I thought maybe I'd take the boots off and walk in my shoes. Nope. That would get my shoes all muddy and they were my new runners and mom would kill me. Scratch that idea.

AHA! It came to me. I bent at the waist, leaned way over and grabbed both feet at the toes with my hands and started pulling up. Yup. I was gonna pull both feet out of the mud at the same time. It was working too. I felt my toes lifting from the mud...WHOO HOO!

THUNK....SQUISH....

While I was bent over, I lost my balance and did a summersault to land flat on my back in the mud. I was completely covered in mud. Literally, mud from head to toe.

I think that was the first time I ever prayed for aliens to swoop down and scoop me up. Yeah, only the first time.

Excuse Me if I Sound Bitter

My brother and his wife are separated and have been since the summer. They have two children -- a young son and a daughter who is 18 (and five months pregnant).

When I spoke with my sister-in-flaw about the separation, she was angry. Okay, I get that. At one point, the conversation went like this:

Sister-in-flaw: Your brother is in for a big surprise. I'm going to screw him over.

Me: You do realize who you're talking to, don't you?

Sister-in-flaw: What?

Me: I'm his sister. I may still be friends with you but you are talking about my brother. I'm not going to get involved in your drama, but I'm also not going to sit idly by and watch my brother get screwed over by you.

Sister-in-flaw: But I thought you were on my side.

How dense do you have to be?

It did not end there. I mean that conversation ended, but her ability to amaze me didn't end.

When mom was in the hospital just before she passed away in November, my step-father managed to get hold of my sister-in-flaw and let her know (she had no telephone). Shortly after that, she called me to tell me how sorry she was. I appreciated that and I told her so. Then she started to launch into a laundry list of horrible things my brother was doing to her. I said, "I have enough going on in my life right now and I don't need to deal with your shit". And I hung up on her.

Still does not end there.

My brother had just left Edmonton to come home when my mother suffered her heart attack and we had no way of reaching him. As a family, the rest of us made the decision to remove my mother from life support but we also decided to give my brother one more day to arrive home to be there for it. My sister-in-flaw knew that and she knew we were going to be at the hospital the next day to remove my mother from life support. My brother made it on time and he was there with her at the end.

When he left the hospital, there were police officers waiting for him. His story (and I only have his side) is that they were there so that he could let them (and my sister-in-flaw) into the house so she could get her belongings. I'm not sure if there's more to that story or not -- but my brother did drive away in his own van -- not the police cruiser.

My sister-in-flaw thought it was appropriate to send the police to wait for my brother on the very day he just watched his mother die?!!!?

Still doesn't end there.

She decided that that was also an appropriate day to serve him with court papers for sole custody of their son.

Now I know why they invented the word "c*nt".

An Easy Mark

When Bob was in kindergarten, he came home from school very excited because there was going to be a book fair. He had gone through the books on display and he had made a "wish list" of books he wanted. He and I went through that list and we whittled it down so it would cost me about $10.00 instead of the $54.00 he had wanted me to spend. I totally agree you can't put a price on eduction and I know how important books are.....but the library's free and I was on a very limited budget then (single mom raising two kids with no help from the Blob). So, off he went to school with his modified wish list and a $20.00 bill. I cannot stress enough how much I could not afford even one of those books without juggling the grocery list.

Along with his other redeeming qualities, my son is generous. At five years of age, he thought I was the best mother in the world because I was letting him buy those books. He was so pleased that he decided to buy me a present. I loved horses, so he searched through the book mark rack very, very carefully - but alas, he could find no horse. What he did find was a winged unicorn, which is really just a horse with wings and a horn. So, he bought it. For me. As a gift. With my $2.59, he bought it. For me. With $2.59 that I could not afford. Really. I could not afford it. But he bought it. For me.

As you can see from the picture of the book mark. It's been loved. I have used that book mark in every book I have read since I received it. I once left my book on top of the car when I left the house -- I came home at the end of the day and the book was gone, but my book mark was lying right there on the ground. I even left my book on the GO bus once, but got it and my book mark back - didn't much care if I got the book back.

There's not much left of the book mark. Just a small piece of the purple pom-pom left. And the words that are inscribed on it are barely legible now. Words that he didn't even know how to read and didn't bother to ask anyone. Words that I took into my heart that day in 1987

Anything is possible, if only you believe

Attic Attack

This is Lisa and her husband Brad (Lisa is the one on the right). Lisa currently lives in Montreal. Before that, she lived in Green Bay, Wisconsin.

This weekend, Lisa was in Hamilton and I got to spend time with her and her three adorable children (two of whom I had never met before). Lisa and I were best friends growing up. She was my Maid of Honour when I married The Blob, but I promised not to hold that against her.

When we were young, we used to tell people we were twins (yes, we looked that much alike). As we got older and started not to look like each other, we told people we were sisters. In fact, once when we were in Florida together, we were the daughters of a rich Texan oil tycoon, complete with cheesy Texan accents.

When I was about 12 and Lisa was about 10, my family moved into a new house and the entrance to the attic was in my room. It was a piece of plywood over the hole in the ceiling and it was just inside the doorway to my room. When it was windy, the plywood would rattle and jump. Lisa used to sleep over quite a bit. One morning, when I woke up it was very windy outside. I woke Lisa up and told her that I had been practicing moving things with my mind, but that I was not very good at it and I needed her help. I told her I was trying to lift the cover on the attic and I asked her to concentrate on doing it. It didn't take long.

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Her scream woke my parents. It was worth it though to watch Lisa try to work out the dilemma. "How the hell do I get out of this room without running under the attic?"

Wheel of Fortunate

Yesterday was the day that a car dealership mechanic attempted to murder my son. Thankfully, the attempt failed.

Let's call the dealership "Chalor Trysler" to avoid possible lawsuits.

My son drives a Dodge Sprinter as part of his job. His boss told him to take his vehicle in for service. It needed $2,400.00 worth of ball joint and axel work. Bob picked up the truck when it was ready and he headed home. He was almost there and the wheel flew off.

FLEW .... RIGHT .... OFF .... THE .... TRUCK!

Bob managed to keep control of the vehicle and got it stopped without hurting himself or anyone else. He called a tow truck and had it taken back to the dealership. The tow truck operator told him that the mechanic had neglected to tighten the nuts on the wheel and that's why it flew off.

I know I'm being irrational. I know I'm just reacting like a mother bear protecting her cub. I know that. Yet, I would still like nothing more than to go and tighten the nuts of that mechanic.

Boo Yah!

In a Lurch

When I was growing up, we had a trailer that was in a park not far from our house. My mom and I spent the whole of the summer there, while my dad and my brothers stayed at home and worked at the family towing business. Once in a while, my cousin Jerry would stay with my younger brother Merv. Merv is not younger than me, but he is younger than my eldest brother, Larry.

During the summer, Merv would go to the golf course across the street and collect golf balls that had gotten hit into the pond. He would clean them, baggie them and sell them to the players on the course. Then he would take our dog, Lurch, to Gypsie's Ice Cream Palour and he'd treat them both to an ice cream cone. When Jerry was there, he would help out and he'd enjoy an ice cream cone each day as well.

One day, it was rainy and overcast and there was not much business on the golf course. The boys only made enough money to get two ice cream cones. They went home and picked up Lurch and took him to Gypsie's. Jerry and Merv shared one ice cream cone and Lurch had his own.

A gentlement watched them for a bit and then walked up and asked the boys why they were sharing an ice cream and giving the dog his own. Merv explained that they didn't have enough money for three cones and the dog was used to getting his own each day and wouldn't understand if he suddenly didn't get it one day. Merv said he was afraid Lurch would think he had done something wrong.

The gentleman was so impressed, he bought all three of them an ice cream cone.

Fair Spray

We have three cats and a new sofa and love seat. The cats aren't bad with scratching the furniture, but every once in a while, instinct takes over and one or another of them will scratch. To discourage them, I keep a spray bottle full of water beside my seat. As soon as I hear the scratching sound, I give the cat a little squirt.

Yesterday was my son's 25th birthday and we had the whole gang over. We were sitting in the living room and Crystal was beside me on the love seat. She called Stealer to come up and sit with her. Being a cat, he didn't listen. She lightly scratched the cushion because that's a sound that usually attracts him.

So, I sprayed her.